Aquaphor: The Snake In The Grass

11 May
I’ll start off again by asking all of you about to think “put your stuff away and Hank won’t eat it…” to pause and look around the room, pick out the most inanimate, tasteless, odorless, noiseless and least fun looking item…and where it is located.  Is it under 6ft off the floor? If you answered yes, that item is fair game to Hank.
Now, think about the frantic 20 minutes before you leave for work every morning: trying to clean up the dishes, make sure gym bag is packed, let the dogs play outside, pack a lunch, and everything else that springs up out of nowhere (i.e. Alta’s knack for bolting out the gate while I’m busy balancing a few bags and a coffee mug and charging the neighbor cat that has been taunting her).  Would you remember to move the remote control from the coffee table to the top of the refrigerator?
The randomness of Hank’s recent destruction was especially surprising because, aside from it’s squishy texture, Aquaphor has no fun smell or delicious taste, it doesn’t squeak or rattle in the the bottle and would be difficult to stomach in one sitting.
Common uses include (but are not limited to): dry & chapped skin, cracked hands & feet, chapped lips, minor cuts & burns.  According to it’s website, Aquaphor is a fan favorite amongst Moms (drool rash & diaper chaffing), Athletes (blisters & windburn), Beauticians (chapped lips & taming eyebrows) and many more.  Oddly enough, not once in their website does Aquaphor mention being a substitute for a delicious dog treat.
Dubbed “fragrance-free” and sitting helplessly on the coffee table in it’s unassuming (but expensive) tube, the brand new bottle of  Aquaphor didn’t stand a chance once it landed in Hank’s crosshairs.
Licked clean.  Not just broken open and sampled…and after discovering it wasn’t salty peanut butter or sweet and sugary, discarded it to collect dog hair.  The tube was bone dry.  Every last ounce licked from the inside, he even managed to get the few drops from the inside of the cap (which he had bypassed and went straight to chewing the bottle in half).  This bottle of Aquaphor was plucked from it’s resting place on the coffee table, chewed in half and then it’s sticky, slippery contents were consumed entirely.
For those of you not familiar with the consistency of Aquaphor (water-based jelly), maybe you’ve used it’s petroleum-based counterpart…Vaseline.  The only joy I can imagine Hank getting out of this particular conquest was: that his tongue kept getting stuck to his face, nose, the floor, Atla, dust bunnies…acting as a makeshift, sticky Swiffer for all the remnants I had missed while cleaning.  Yuck.
Unlike the peanut butter, and unlike what you’d expect after eating thick, water-based jelly straight from the tube…Hank was fine.
No wiser for the wear, but no gassy, bloated groaning and rolling on the floor.  I’m sure he rather enjoyed the water-based jelly poop that he experienced for the next few days, but thankfully for all humans involved-no barfing or indoor explosions needed cleaning up.
Even after a few hours of this later that day…
…still no ailments to be seen.  Luckily, Aquaphor is water based, so other than preventing his intestines from chaffing, dryness and minor burns, and making him loose as a goose for a few days…there wasn’t a need to call the poison control hotline (a number which we keep on the fridge).
HUMAN TRANSLATION: Beware of the snake-in-the-grass.  Whether it’s a sneaky co-worked vying for your job, a stranger watching you a little too closely or the best friend who pinky-promised not to tell an embarrassing story…keep an eye out for the unassuming.  We’re careful to keep the leftovers locked away in the fridge, the bread basket high up on the shelf, valuables away in drawers and anything that shakes/rattles and rolls far, far away from Hank…but sometimes it’s the thing you’d least expect that comes back to get you.

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